I Never Said That

I remember once, I was in the grocery store with my mom. We were in the produce section and I asked if we could get pears. My mom turned toward me and said, "But you hate pears."

This came as a great surprise to me seeing as I love pears. In fact I love everything about them, the taste, the smell, the texture, the way you can keep sucking at the core and pull out more and more pear. So I asked her what gave her that idea and she told me that I had said it at some point in the past.

Baffling. Because I would never say such horrible things about pears and I know my mom understands sarcasm seeing as she's the source of my own sarcastic tendencies. There was no way she could have heard me saying something like, "Noooo, I HATE pears," and misconstrued it as seriousness.

More recently my boyfriend mentioned something similar, that I had at some point in the past said that I did not like something that I love. This was very confusing because I know I would never say that. There have been other instances of this over the years and recently I've gotten to thinking.

Is it possible to have a very mild form of DID? Can you have other personalities that come out just long enough to say that chocolate is shitty and then disappear without any recollection on your part. What if there are other things that I've done that were out of character? What if I'm missing huge swaths of time? What if people thinking I hate pears is the least of my worries?

Hopefully my mom is the crazy one and not me. Because, seriously, I love pears.

A Recent Realization

I don't want to figure out what I'm going to do with my life just yet.

This is why I'm devoting the next two years to getting yet another useless degree.

With Sunrise Still Hours Away

If I believed in the devil, right now I would say that Minesweeper came from him. That's right, the primitive point and click Windows game is gifted to us from the deepest abyss of the infernal pit.

Why do I say this? Because I have a ten page paper due in...seven hours and I have written two and a half pages of it thanks to that blasted game.

And look at me now, procrastinating even more. This is not healthy. And it is no why to get work done.

Concerning Music

When we are in my car, and I am listening to Painkiller by Judas Priest, if you take out your phone and proceed to make a call I will be displeased. And if I move my hand toward the volume knob it's not to turn it down so you can talk on the phone it's to turn it so that I can hear one of the best albums ever made over you yelling, pointlessly into the phone. So don't tell me it's okay when my hand moves toward the volume knob because that action is motivated purely by how much I hate you.


P.S. I am torn over weather I should stay at work an extra hour on Wednesday on your behalf. On the one hand I could use the extra $14. On the other, I have been invited out for drinks and board games and video games with friends.

P.P.S. I can not wait until next quarter, when I will no longer feel any obligation to give you a ride.

P.P.P.S. I hate you.

Yet Again...

I should be working on a research paper for women's studies.

And a paper for English.

And a paper for Non-fiction.

And typing up my poetry revisions.

I have it all written out very nicely on a piece of paper ad to do list, or T.D.L. as I've called them since high school when i would carry a small notebook with me everywhere I went. I've crossed quite a few things off the list already. But this damn research project is haunting me. And what am I doing instead of getting it done and over with? Playing really cute flash games on Kongregate. I recommend anything by Armor Games. Quality, free games.

Any way, I should probably get back to not writing that paper.

Inside a Mind

Other people watch Law and Order. Vanilla, SVU, CI. That is their production poison. Mine is Criminal Minds. They only play three episodes on A&E on week nights. But it puts a stop to all productivity. And I fear the day when some well meaning person fulfills my wishes and buys me the DVDs. I would never get anything done.

Not that I really accomplish anything right now.

And no that was not a thinly veiled plea for someone to buy me those DVDs.

Procrastination

Yet again I am not doing something that I should be doing. I feel like I should be done, like I've earned a rest. I don't want to write three more essays before I can take to laying around doing nothing. Not that I could just lay around and do nothing. I have far too much to do. Things that are for me. For me and the me that will meet you in several years.

For now I will keep watching Criminal Minds.

When I Don't Have the Time to Write

I'm the worst blogger ever. No fuck that. I'm the worst writer ever. Can I even say I'm a writer if I don't write everyday.

Thank you to Anne Patchett for planting that bit of...whatever it is in my head. I am never going to accomplish anything.

Oh wait. I got into grad school. Cool. Maybe I'll have time to write then.

The Most Important Person in History

Our mighty hero, Gary Reed, traveled to the year 2156 to fight Robot George Washington in insure the continued proliferation of mankind throughout the galaxy.

I'm not making this up. I conducted grueling research on this topic.

No, it's of vital importance that we learn of what the Great Gary Reed did in order to save us all.

Mrs. Scot if you fail me you will be helping the Robot Forefathers win. Mankind will be wiped from the face of the galaxy. Robot Tomas Jefferson will rule the Earth with a neo-titanium fist.

Of course it matters. The masses need to know. Why, for all we know Gary Reed could go to this school. He could be in this very class room.

Didn't you listen to my presentation at all? Gary Reed was not always known as Gary Reed he changed his name so that the Robot Forefathers could not send a roboassassin back in time to kill him.

That is why his true name has been lost to history.

Why I Don't Sleep Alone

Once I realized that if someone really wanted to get to me no number of deadbolts could really keep them from me the jig was up so to speak. After all, what is one bit of steel between you and someone who wishes to see you not so alive?

It doesn't matter if they have no idea where you are, or if they themselves are locked away behind walls and bars and armed guards. That thought will play on your mind. The image of them silhouetted in your window. The idea that every shadow is thicker, darker, than it should be.

Every sound in the night will be them, the escape artist. And every dream you have will be painted with their face. If you have someone, someone to sleep beside you, and keep watch this will still happen. It just won't be so paralyzing. You will still have nightmares, you will still cry out in your sleep, but there will be the chance that they will wake you. The chance that they will keep you from rolling out of bed or smashing your fists against the wall.

All of the locks in the world will never add up to the security of a warm, softly snoring body beside you.

From the Perspective of the Enemy

I will not listen to your lies. No, Jesus was not Jewish. No. No. No. Well it doesn't matter if he was, he loved America.

What?

Well it doesn't matter that America didn't exist. He knew it would. And right now, he knows about America and he loves it. He loves America and all of the real Americans. What do Indians have to do with anything? I shouldn't be surprised that you don't know anything, you obviously weren't raised right.

That's okay though because either you'll learn to know better or you won't and you'll get your due punishment. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a Christian, I love everyone.